As a parent, it’s heart-wrenching to feel helpless when your child is in pain. We’d rather absorb those painful feelings and experiences ourselves if it means bringing our child comfort.

So what can we do if we suspect our child is self-harming? How do we overcome the devastating feeling that we might have missed something?

Realizing that your teen has been struggling with issues she hasn’t shared with you, or that the depth of her feelings has led her to self-harm, can be a profound shock. Your empathy, patience, and humility are invaluable to her right now.

Below, you’ll find helpful information to learn about self-harm, signs to look out for, and how to support your daughter who may be dealing with this or looking to support a friend who is.

What is self-harm?

In recent years, we've seen an alarming increase in self-harm among adolescent girls. Studies indicate that up to 30% of teenage girls have intentionally injured themselves. This trend underscores a critical need for awareness and effective strategies to support these young women.

It is important to remember that self-harm is not a mental illness. Rather, it is an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Self-harm encompasses a range of behaviors where an individual intentionally inflicts harm on their body as a way to deal with emotional pain or distress. According to the American Psychological Association, self-harm is used as a method to “disrupt distressing emotional states triggered by various stressors and events.”

Common methods include cutting, burning, scratching, or hitting oneself, which can bring temporary relief from emotional discomfort.

These actions are often private and not meant as suicidal attempts, but rather as a flawed technique to handle overwhelming feelings. Sadly, hurting herself may feel like her only way to cope.

Why do young people self-harm?

Self-harm is a complex behavior that’s often misunderstood and oversimplified. Below are several reasons why tweens and teens might see this as an outlet:

Emotional regulation: According to research from the American Psychological Association, self-harm can temporarily alleviate feelings of anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness. It can provide a quick, albeit very harmful, way to achieve emotional relief.
Maybe she doesn’t know how to articulate her feelings or why she’s hurting. Thus, making her emotional pain also physical might feel like coping in the moment.
Sense of control: Similar to emotional regulation, self-harm can be a desperate attempt to regain control over feelings or an unwanted environment when other aspects of life feel uncontrollable.
Cry for help: Sometimes, self-harm is a non-verbal way for teens to express deep distress, to signal that they are struggling and that they need help. It can be a visible symptom of underlying issues that she finds difficult to communicate in words.
Think back to when you were a teen: What’s something that felt HUGE in your life but your parents dismissed it as trivial?
Punishment: Some use self-harm as a way to punish themselves due to intense feelings of inadequacy. Deep shame and guilt are often at the root of this.

Need to feel something: For those who feel disconnected from the world or themselves, self-harm can be a method to feel something physically when they are otherwise feeling numb—disengaged emotionally or psychologically.
Peer influence: Although less common, some young people might be influenced by peer behaviors or online communities where self-harm is discussed or even normalized. This can lead to mimicking behaviors as a way to fit in or share experiences with peers.

The cycle of self-harm

Initially, teens may experience temporary relief from emotional pain through self-harm, but this is soon followed by feelings of shame and guilt, according to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health. To make themselves feel better, teens may return to self-harm hoping for another temporary “hit” of relief.

Over time, this can evolve into a repetitive cycle that is difficult to break without interventions.

The underlying issues that trigger self-harm, such as anxiety, depression, or trauma, must be addressed to effectively break the pattern.

How to help

At ZGiRLS, we believe in empowering girls to confront challenges with resilience and courage. If you suspect your child is self-harming, it’s crucial to approach her situation with compassion and openness.

Express concern without judgement: Encourage honest conversations. Listen more than you speak, and make sure your daughter feels heard and supported. Do your best to stay calm and non-judgmental.
Offer reassurance: While she may feel alone in the world, letting her know that you’re there for her is important.
Consider saying things like, “We will get through this together,” and, “I see your pain and want to help.”
Avoid immediate solutions: Depending on the situation, her circumstances might not allow for a quick fix. Acknowledge this and focus on what you can do in the meantime.
For example, "I might not have all the answers today, but I’m here to support you and we’ll figure this out. What can I do to help you feel better right now?"
Create a light of hope: If she’s feeling trapped by her circumstances, consider asking, “If you could change anything to make things better, even a totally different world, what would that look like?”
Her struggles could be something that you DO have the power to change! If not, you now have a vision of what she needs.
Identify triggers: If she’ll let you, work together to understand what triggers her urge to self-harm. Recognizing these triggers is the first step toward managing them.
Help her do things that support her daily wellness: Support eating healthy meals, exercising, drinking water, quality time with loved ones, enough sleep, and reduced screen time.

Respect her privacy, to an extent

Assure her that while her privacy is respected, her safety is the top priority. Ask if she’d agree on a shared goal of creating a small network that she would lean on during this challenging time.

Encourage her to identify trusted individuals within her circle who can be informed and offer support. These might include family members, close friends, or a school counselor. It's essential that they understand the importance of discretion and maintaining her dignity.

Moreover, respect her autonomy by involving her in decisions about her care and the steps she wants to take. This collaborative approach can help her feel more in control and less isolated.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster an environment of trust and openness where she feels understood and supported, enabling her to seek help and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

This is also an opportunity for you to lean on your own support system. Who do you trust with this information? Not out of shame or embarrassment, but out of respect for your daughter’s privacy. Ideally, this would be someone with a bit of distance from the situation.

You, too, don’t have to be alone in this.

Encourage her to “ride the wave”

When her urge to self-harm builds in the moment, having a list of other things she can do to keep her mind occupied and “ride the wave” of the intense feelings is helpful.

Some activities could look like:

Artistic expression: Painting or drawing emotions can provide a visual method of processing feelings.
Mindfulness practices: Techniques like guided meditations or yoga can help manage stress and emotional pain.
Social support: Encouraging participation in affirming group activities and leaning on trusted peers can build a community of understanding and support.

Additional suggestions to help her get through intense urges to self-harm:

Writing down feelings in a journal.
Listening to loud music.
Going for a walk outside.
Placing rubber bands on her wrist and snapping.
Hitting a pillow
Using the Calm Harm App
- Apple
- Google Play

Anything to help her get through those instances (that are not addictive or harmful in other ways) can remind her of her own strength.

Seek professional help

Please consult mental health professionals if you notice signs of self-harm. Early intervention can prevent more severe outcomes. Utilize resources like school counselors, psychologists, and local mental health services.

Additionally, numerous helplines are available for immediate assistance:

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a counselor 24/7.
S.A.F.E. National Helpline: Call 1-800-366-8288 for referrals and support.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Call 800-950-NAMI or, in a crisis, text NAMI to 741741.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for free and confidential support.
The Trevor Project: Text START to 678-678 or Call 1-866-488-7386 for support specific to LGBTQ youth.
- The Trevor Project on Self-Harm: Support for self-harm recovery.
Cornell University Self-Injury & Recovery Resources: Thorough resources specialized for a variety of audiences: people who self-harm, parents/caregivers, therapists, friends, and youth-serving professionals.

Discovering that your child might be self-harming is incredibly distressing and overwhelming. Know that your presence and unconditional love are powerful reminders that she has your support.

While you may not have all the answers or be able to fix everything, you can offer a safe space for your child to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Listening to her, validating her emotions, and reassuring her that she’s not alone can make a huge difference.

You’re doing great. ZGiRLS is here for your family.

ZGiRLS equips middle school girls with the mental health tools and resources to build lifelong confidence, resilience, and unwavering self-worth. Learn more about how we help tweens and teens realize their fullest potential.

What To Do If You Suspect Your Daughter Is Self-Harming